The Word of the Night: Abominable


1. repugnantly hateful; detestable; loathsome: an abominable crime.

2. very unpleasant; disagreeable: The weather was abominable last week.

3. very bad, poor, or inferior: They have abominable taste in clothes.

I just bought an advent calendar so I’m all in a Christmassy mood.  And speaking of Christmas, I wrote and performed this parody of The Night Before Christimas a few years ago in full drag as Don Corleone, cotton stuffed in the jowls and everything.

 I was only a few lines in when a woman stood up in the audience and said, “I find this very offensive” and stormed out of the theater.  Apparently, she was Italian.  So am I.  I thought it was funny.

 The Hit Before Christmas

It was the hit before Christmas, and all through the olive presses
Not a wise guy was stirring cause they’d all gone to the mattresses

The Napolitano Brothers were hung from the meat hooks with care
In the hopes that the protection money from Local 247’d be there

The children were nestled, their heads filled with wishes
Cause nobody’s ever told them Santa sleeps with the fishes

So my wife was asleep, in my bedroom, where my children play
As I was closing the drapes, had to duck from gun spray

Outside the house I heard such a splatter
Nothing’s worse for than lawn than Sicilian brain matter

I reached for the phone, tried to call up Tom Hagan
Who’d do this tonight? Must be a pagan

Bazzini, Tessio, maybe Clemenza
Then heard a car engine, sounded like a Mercedes Benza

I looked down the drive – thought no way that’s a rental
9 guys pulling up in a Green Continental

I smelled garlic, and basil, and fresh Provolone
I knew in a moment it must be Capone

They got out of the car, Capone took his time
He started saying their names, and it’s amazing they rhyme

Yo Tony, Yo Sonny, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Michael, Ay Fredo, Ay Paulie, Ay Guido

He said, when you walk in the snow, don’t yous leave any trackses
Now get the f*#k outta here, Go file my taxes

A few seconds later I heard the doorbell
I was still so confused, thought he’d died in his cell

He said through the door, Don, I just want to talk
You won’t end up on the floor all outlined in chalk

So I opened the door and let him into my home
Godfather, he said, I’ve just come from Rome

I’ve got all these toys, I’m here to spread hope
I may get to heaven if I can impress the Pope

He was dressed in a charcoal gray pinstripe suit
silk scarf ‘round his neck, six inch shiv in his boot

He seemed kind of nervous so I poured him some whiskey
He kissed my hand, both my cheeks. I said, look don’t get frisky

He said Don, I was thinking of moving some blow
This time of year he’s so busy, how’s the Pope gonna know?

He took out a glock nine and pointed it at me
I thought that would look nice under my tree

I figured he was hungry, he was so roly poly
I said, hey, Al, leave the gun, you can take the cannoli

And listen my friend, this business of drugs is no good
Hookers and gambling, think about it. You should

And don’t think cause you’re dead, that Al, you can’t lose
Your mother in Palermo could wear cement shoes

He got really quiet, started scratching his scar
I said, Listen to your Don, and we walked to his car

I could give you a job, just pick a Casino
We got places in Vegas, Carson City and Reno

He got in his car, told his driver to go
I went inside cause it was 20 freakin’ below

But I heard him exclaim as he accepted my offer
Merry Xmas to you, and where the f#@k’s Jimmy Hoffa?


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